Part 7 of 8
(…a continued reflection on Datable by Jessica Slice and Caroline Cupp)
Money, and discussions about it, are often complicated and fraught with deeper meaning. Cupp describes money as “one of those overloaded concepts that stands for far more than numbers on a bank statement: in relationships, how people earn, spend, and make decisions about money has everything to do with power, communication, and self-worth” (p. 191). And she’s absolutely right. I’m a therapist, and clients have a far easier time talking about sex (or any other subject) than they do money.
And let’s be real, dating on a limited income is difficult. Most of those cute and fun date ideas cost money that most disabled people don’t have. We are far more likely to live under the federal poverty line and depend on public benefits to survive. We also often have to deal with a “disability surcharge,” which is basically any add-ons to whatever we’re doing or purchasing to make it accessible to us.
And then there’s the marriage penalty, which means “the partial or total loss of life-sustaining benefits due to relationship status” (p. 193). Despite even the United Nations recognizing marriage between adults as a universal human right, disabled people are often “forced to choose between creating a family and accessing the tools that we need to survive” (p. 195).
It’s as if we’re being punished for needing assistance. If I’m costing taxpayers, they’re going to make the cost of receiving that care high as well. Cupp describes the situation well:
“Now, I don’t imagine that there’s a group of sinister bureaucrats sitting in an office somewhere plotting to keep disabled people from marrying. I believe these injustices are more likely evidence of the lingering ableism that’s built into the structures of our government systems. When entitlement programs were set up, the assumption was that disabled people wouldn’t get married; we’d be under our parents’ care or living in institutions.” (p. 196)
When we are faced with the possibility of losing our only source of income and benefits, it makes complete sense that disabled people in relationships choose not to live together or even acknowledge that they’re in a committed relationship. (Some public benefit agencies will count you as married even if you haven’t legally tied the knot.) In fact, some couples have to choose divorce simply to be able to survive (p. 197).
Luckily, “we’re disabled: we’re nothing if not clever when it comes to navigating inaccessible situations” (p. 199). We may face devastating consequences or a legal chokehold on our relationships, but we still find our way into loving connections. They may not look like the ones that our idealized society tells you to expect.
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