The Whole Mess
Notes from the middle of everything
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about
Collector of contradictions, student of imperfection, and occasional meditator. Writing from the messy middle with equal parts honesty and humor.
Category: trauma
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I’ve often struggled with meditation because it triggers my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If I close my eyes, I tend to go into flashbacks. Opening my eyes doesn’t seem to be much better because I become too distracted by everything around me. I don’t like guided meditations. My physical impairments make it nearly impossible to…
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Part 4 of 4 Using creativity to explore my trauma and rage has allowed me to integrate it on a pre-verbal level. It touches a part of my soul and psyche that talk therapy and writing prose cannot reach. I’ve been able to process overwhelming internal states by externalizing them in my art, and in…
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Part 3 of 4 Content note: incest, sexual assault, physical abuse, self-harm To be clear, my rage refuses to be pretty. It will not be sanitized into a palatable, socially acceptable form of anger—that is not too loud, not too explicit, not too real. There is a pressure to be “reasonable”, especially for women who…
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Part 2 of 4 Accepting the rage within me is also about learning to set boundaries. The emotion of anger is a signal that something is wrong, a violation has occurred, and it gives us the energy to do something about it. It is our body’s wisdom communicating our need for healthy separation from that…
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Part 1 of 4 Content note: incest, sexual assault, physical abuse I grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive home. Don’t get me wrong, it was also filled with immense love and happy memories. Let’s just say, it was incredibly complicated, as well as emotionally and psychologically fucked up.