The Whole Mess

I’ve often struggled with meditation because it triggers my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If I close my eyes, I tend to go into flashbacks. Opening my eyes doesn’t seem to be much better because I become too distracted by everything around me. I don’t like guided meditations. My physical impairments make it nearly impossible to do movement meditation (such as walking or doing the dishes).

If you recognize yourself in any of these experiences, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals with PTSD to struggle with meditation practices. I’d like to share with you some alternative mindfulness practices that may be more accessible to you. However, before I jump into that, I’d like to put in a plug for David Treleaven’s book Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness. It helped me put my experience into a broader context and understand that nothing was wrong with me and that there were still options available to me.

Now, let’s jump into some PTSD-mindful mindfulness practices!

1. Choose an external fixed anchor instead of your body or the breath. A somatic focus can easily be overwhelming and triggering for trauma survivors, so finding a focus outside of the body can be an incredibly useful tool. Try focusing on: a candle flame, lamp, or even a small LED light; a specific object with texture or personal meaning to you (a stone, a piece of favorite jewelry, etc.); a phrase or word on a notecard that you can look at. (If you’re unsure what phrase or word to focus on, considering buying some affirmation cards and use those to focus on. I’m especially fond of my Thera-Pet Cards.)
   • Practice: Let your eyes rest on the object without forcing focus. The goal isn’t deep concentration, just allowing the object to gently tether you to the present while your mind wanders and returns.
2. Orient yourself to the room or space you’re in. This practice isn’t mindfulness in the traditional sense, but it’s a common therapy technique that I’ve found is far more accessible. Just because it isn’t traditional doesn’t meant mean it’s not mindfulness.
   • Practice: Slowly look around the room. Name (silently or aloud) five things you can see with neutral detail, not evaluation. Some examples include “tree”, “metal door handle”, “book”, etc. It’s okay if your mind wanders, the gentle returns to awareness are the practice.
3. Touch something with a varied texture. Place your hand on something that has an interesting texture. This can include a blanket, a pet’s fur, accessibility equipment, etc. This will hopefully provide enough sensory input to compete with intrusive memories without flooding you.
   • Practice: Place your hand on your chosen object. Let your attention go to just that contact point. Notice how it feels against your skin. Is it hard? Soft? Spiky? Warm? Cold? Keep bringing your attention and awareness to your object.
4. Do a micro-practice: When sustained practice feels like too much, try quick dips into mindfulness. PTSD-mindful mindfulness is about finding tiny moments of safety, not necessarily an extended stillness.
   • Practice: Choose a visual anchor, similar to the practice described in the first mindfulness exercise in this list. Look at your object for 2 to 5 seconds. Pause and look away. Look again for another 2 to 5 seconds. Repeat for a comfortable period of time.
5. Listen for ambient sounds. Instead of trying to choose a specific sound to concentrate on, let the sounds come to you. Instead of demanding your brain focus its attention on a specific sound, this helps shift your mind to a place of curiosity, which PTSD brains can tolerate far better.
   • Practice: Ask yourself
     1. What’s the farthest sound I can hear?
     2. What’s the closest sound I can hear?
     3. What’s the softest sound I can hear?
     4. What’s the loudest sound I can hear?
6. Breathe naturally while focusing on an object. If focusing on the breath is triggering for you, you can still use it as a tool without it becoming overwhelming. This will give your nervous system the rhythmic regulation of breath awareness without having to drop inward.
   • Practice: Breathe naturally while counting something else, such as the lines on a book cover, spokes on your wheelchair, items on a shelf, etc.
7. Welcome all your inner selves. If trauma does arise during your mindfulness practice, whatever it may be, try turning them to compassion instead of avoiding them out of fear. This is especially effective if your trauma is tied to younger parts of yourself. The goal isn’t to push them away. You want to acknowledge them without letting them in the driver’s seat.
   • Practice: When trauma arises, instead of trying to silence it, gently offer it the following phrases:
     • “I see you.”
     • “I’m saying in the present.”
     • “You don’t need to take over right now.”
     • “I’ll return to you later.”

PTSD-mindful mindfulness is centered around accessibility, self-compassion, and gentleness. You don’t have to look like a Buddhist monk, sitting on a cushion with your eyes closed and your legs crossed, falling into a deep state of nirvana.

That’s not to say that these practices can’t get you closer to enlightenment. I would argue quite the opposite. PTSD is a serious psychological condition that does its best to force us back into past trauma. I believe that these exercises can serve to bring you back into the present, and that’s where nirvana exists.