Part 1 of 4
Content note: incest, sexual assault, physical abuse
I grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive home. Don’t get me wrong, it was also filled with immense love and happy memories. Let’s just say, it was incredibly complicated, as well as emotionally and psychologically fucked up.
As a child, I was sexually assaulted by one of my brothers over the course of a few years, before being handed off to his best friend. My step-grandfather was sexually suggestive for my entire life and threatened assault. My father was physically violent whenever I cried “too much”, which usually translated to at all.
In addition to the acute traumas, my parents spent the rest of their lives minimizing and even joking about the assault I suffered at the hands of my brother. They blamed me until their dying breath for not “getting over it” and “moving on” and “forgiving” him. From the first time I came out to them about the abuse in college, they blamed me on some level. My dad told me I was selfish for telling my parents about my abuse because it ruined my mom’s idea of having a happy family. Not my brother’s fault for assaulting me. My fault for not keeping it secret like a good child would.
I’ve had a lot to be angry about, not just from my childhood. I was physically assaulted by a former boyfriend, molested twice while traveling internationally, physically assaulted by yet another boyfriend, survived a near-fatal motor scooter accident, and, most recently, went through treatment for breast cancer, just to mention a few.
I’ve been in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) for a little over two years now. It’s a 12-step program centered on processing and healing childhood trauma and learning how to become your own loving parent. In the program, there is the adage we were taught as children: don’t trust, don’t talk, don’t feel. Even through the over two decades of therapy that I’ve been through, I still struggle with these “family rules”.
One of those rules that scares me the most is the warning not to feel. And within that rule, the emotion that has scared me most to feel and express has been the anger, or rather the rage, that lives inside me as a result of all that I’ve been through.
I do my best to remember that rage doesn’t have to be solely about destruction. I think about the Hindu Goddess, Kali. She is the one who destroys the world, but not so that it can be taken over by oblivion, but instead to make room for new growth:
“Understanding Kali Ma: The Goddess of Change
Kali is often depicted as a fearsome deity, with a garland of skulls, a protruding tongue, and a warrior’s posture. These images can be intimidating, but they convey a deeper spiritual meaning. Kali is the goddess of change and liberation. She embodies the transformation that comes with shedding the old to make room for the new. Her fierce form represents the destruction of ego and attachments, which are essential for personal growth and spiritual progress.
In Hinduism, destruction isn’t viewed negatively. Instead, it’s a necessary process for the renewal and evolution of life. Kali teaches us that in order to grow, we must face and overcome our fears, attachments, and outdated belief systems. The destruction Kali brings is the kind that clears the path for something more meaningful to emerge.”1
Ever since learning about Kali, her mythology has held a special place in my heart. She is a role model for allowing my rage to make way for new growth. She reminds me that rage is a survival strategy and a wellspring of creativity.
- Hemangip. (2025, March 15). Kali Ma: Embracing the fierce goddess for growth. Divine Hindu. https://divinehindu.com/goddesses/kali-ma-embracing-the-fierce-goddess-for-growth/ ↩︎
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